Wednesday, August 20, 2014

an open letter to the time warner churn specialist that will probably be calling me


You haven't called me yet, but since I've put in the disconnect order for my cable service I'm pretty you're going to try for that last minute save that's part of the Time Warner customer experience of not actually solving issues until they become problems that are so annoying people are ready to leave.  Since I've already told the story to several different reps it'll save some time if I just post a recap here.

I'm basically one of your preferred revenue streams.  I'm one of the idiots who doesn't call up and threaten to leave every 3 months just so you'll give me another 3 month discount.  I've been shoveling over full price for your service for about 4 years now, and the only time I've ever called support was to report an outage.  I'd also be happy to continue on just handing over full price for the service and not tying up any of your support reps except for the small matter that I have decided to move.

I understand that this should be a relatively easy process and you'd be happy to schedule an appointment for me.  The problem is, I already scheduled one for this past Monday for the insanely wide window of 8am to 12pm.  I made the appointment through a 3rd party (that would be AllConnect) last Wednesday and was told that my Monday appointment was set with Tuesday as a backup.  I scheduled this transfer ahead of time because I'm at a point where I absolutely need internet connectivity at home and I can't really afford to be offline for a day.

Somewhere between the time the appointment was set and Monday morning, someone changed the date of the install order to Wednesday morning and failed to get the message to me.  I spent 4 hours sitting in a barren apartment waiting for a tech that was never going to show up.  At 12pm, I called up AllConnect to find out what the deal was, and when I finally got in touch with their "Time Warner guy" and was informed that I'd wasted 4 hours for nothing and would need to plan on spending another 4 hours waiting again on Wednesday, I got kind of grumpy.  I told him I was pretty dissatisfied and said that I wanted AllConnect removed from this transaction:  his response was to cancel the install service that was scheduled for Wednesday.

I contacted the "Time Warner concierge" assigned to my apartment complex to see if there was any way to salvage the wasted time and maybe get the transfer expedited.  No dice, and now the best they could do was an install on the following Monday.

At this point, I pretty much said to forget about it and just resigned myself to using a 4G LTE phone tether for access.  It means I'm losing Netflix and Youtube, but at the very least I can still get work done from home in emergencies.

I then ended up calling on Tuesday to schedule my disconnect.  The last rep I spoke with gave me some false hope that the transfer might be accomplished by simply having me move the modem and scheduling a technician to come out and "remove the trap from the line", but after sitting on hold for an hour I was informed that that wasn't an option after all and I had to be on site for another 4 hour window... next Wednesday.  This is the point where I gave up on you guys completely and noped out.


When you call to ask me what you can do to keep me as a customer, my answer is going to be "It's the one thing you can't do."  All I want is to get online in my new apartment, right now.  Knocking $30/mo off my rate isn't that useful for me.  I really, really needed for this to happen on Monday, and if I'm forced to rough it with a phone tether for the next week then you guys have basically demonstrated I can survive the busiest point of my year without your service and there's no need for me to keep giving you money just so I can watch a few videos.  On top of that, having me take another 4 hours out of work or sleep (the only 2 things on my schedule... and this screed is coming out of the sleep side for the record) is something I can't accept no matter how good of a deal it is for you.

If you could have someone at my door in a 30 minute window to do 5 minutes of work today, I'd be satisfied.  No discounts, no free months.  Just get me setup without all the pointless waiting and let me get back to being another silent revenue stream.

We both know it's an impossible request, but sadly that's about the only solution that works for me at this point.

So that's where we're at, and that's why I'm done.  Please don't bother to apologize because everyone that I've talked to has said they're sorry but hasn't actually been able to do anything helpful.  I don't really care how this happened, what the chain of events were that lead up to it, or why I don't have service... again, assigning blame to the Other Department doesn't help me out at all.

Just take the modem back and remember the good times when I wasn't making unreasonable demands and you weren't completely wrecking my program.